Jingle Bells, Fanfic Smells!
by Muriel Candytuft
Summary: In which the poor Head Elf must grapple with the trials and tribulations that we fanfic writers heap upon him. Can he stand up to the challenge, or will he crumble like a gingerbread man?


Jingle Bells, Fanfic Smells

A/N: This is my response to the various evils that crop up in Santa Clause fanfics.In these stories, poor Bernard will battle various evils of fanfiction. Enjoy! (Or throw up, if you have a weak constitution.) To anyone who writes stories like this, _please, please, please _don't hold it against me. There is still hope for you. Keep fighting the good fight.

I would like to thank these writers for inspiring me to write this:

**JealousOfTheMoon**, for the divinely inspired _Canon Keepers_ series, under C.S. Lewis and Lord of the Rings.

**Jules14**, for their collection of the worst _Lord of the Rings_ stories (which, sadly, are no longer available).

**Armageddonincarnate**, for their wonderful "Honey, I Released the Fangirls!" found under C.S. Lewis.

**Stormtracer**, for "This Lion's Had It!", under C.S. Lewis

Any other writer who wrote a sarcastic, intellectual, hilarious, or otherwise magnificent commentary on the various evils of fanfiction.

OoOoOoOoOoO

PART ONE: MARY SUE COMES TO ALFHEIM

It was a bitterly cold night at the North Pole, and a girl trudged through the deep snow, lonely and weeping, clothed only in a clingy blue sweater with perfect cleavage, blue jeans, and super cool shoes. Her hair was a billowing, shimmering cloud of purest mahogany, which fell in perfect, soft curls on her shoulders, despite the fact that she'd been trudging through snow and ice for two days. Her skin was milk-white, and glowed in the moon as tiny tears tracked down her cheeks from her eyes, which were emerald, the shade of grass in golden sunlight, the shade of an apple-flavored Jolly-Rancher, the shade of...well, an emerald. Of course, her makeup didn't run. And to add to all her (cough) ugliness (wheeze), her ears were just slightly pointed.

This girl, poor Marianna Susanna Honey Allison Colby Angel McKynnzie Heather Nauseum Rain Lafawnduh M'chelle River...had most undoubtedly gotten the short end of the stick. Life was SO cruel to her. Nobody understood her at all. Nobody understood what it was LIKE to be homecoming queen, and prom queen, and captain of the cheer leading team, and class president, and valedictorian of her graduating class, and Miss America, and voted most likely to succeed! Oh, the EXPECTATIONS to live up to! Not to mention ALL her clothes were by Tommy Hillfiger, and she had a Lexus for her own personal use, and full scholarships for college (it was her late mother's alma mater), and a slot as guitarist in a garage-punk band (in which she was the only girl). Oh, and did I mention that she also had magical healing powers? And she ate nothing but chocolate, and was somehow skinny enough to be anorexic. How people HATED her for that...even her father, who said that she would never amount to ANYTHING, and her older sisters, who were lazy and stupid and ugly made her do ALL the chores. But she didn't dare complain because she was so NICE. NOBODY understood her. Even now, she imagined that she could still hear her father yelling, "Get your head out of the clouds, you spoiled brat!" over the whirling snow.

Alas, Marianna Susanna Honey Allison Colby Angel McKynnzie Heather Nauseum Rain Lafawnduh M'chelle River, or Mary-Sue, for short, was beyond saving now, as she made her slow trek through the Arctic wastes. _(Don't ask what she's doing here in the first place; it defeats the purpose of her SAD story.) _But now, she thought she could see something poking out of the snow. It was a polished silver ball with a camera attached to it, and as it rose, our brave heroine saw that it was sitting atop a red and white pole.

"EEK!" she squealed. "Liek, OMG! It's the NORTH POLE! Just liek in the movie!" Mary-Sue briefly forgot all her WOES and rushed over to the North Pole, so happy to see it. She poked her nose into the camera. "Liek, hello, down there!" Then she pressed a button on the pole, and a tiny keypad shot out of it. "Now, let me see if I can remember the combination..." Mary-Sue was NOT a geek who sat around watching for arcane bits of trivia in movies, so she couldn't remember the code. Luckily she had her portable DVD player, with "The Santa Clause" DVD in it. (Another thing she was HATED for.) When she had watched the movie closely and memorized the combination (this took four days), she typed it in. The North Pole went back underground, and a big hole opened in the ground. Mary-Sue fell through the hole, shrieking something along the lines of, "No! Not my immeasurably thick hair with a glossy auburn huuuue!" She landed on her exquisite face in snow. When she looked up, there was the crystal dome that served as the sky above the village she'd always dreamed of storming...Alfheim!

"OMG!! OMG!! OMG!!" Mary-Sue screamed, dancing around in frantic circles. "I'm here! I'm actually HEEERE!" Then she swayed gracefully and passed out, face-up in the snowbank

OoOoOoOoOoO

When she woke up, Mary-Sue found herself lying in a soft bed, under a fleece and chenille blanket, with a half-dozen elves bending over her, gawking. "Wow. There are kids standing around me and staring at me," she said quite stupidly before the TRUTH dawned on her. She uttered a single word:

"ELVES!!"

The elves, badly startled, ran away screaming as Mary-Sue sat up in bed, waving her arms around like Scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz, and squealing, "Aw, come back here, ELVES! You're all so CUTE! Yes, you ARE!"

"How long has she been here?" a male voice asked from the room adjoining Mary-Sue's room. When she heard the voice, her heart about stopped.

"Omigod...is that..."

A red-haired elf in a nurse's cap bustled into the elfirmary. After her came a taller, older elf with dark curly hair, a green beret, and sharp brown eyes whose severity spoke of just how gladly he would suffer fools. As soon as Mary-Sue saw this elf, she started to drool and shake convulsively.

"She'll be quite all right in a few minutes," the nurse elf said.

The older elf glanced at Mary-Sue. "Are you sure? Because I'm no expert, but that, to me, looks an awful lot like a seizure."

Before the nurse elf could answer, Mary-Sue tumbled off the bed, and screamed, "OMG! OMG! OMG! IT'S BERNARD THE HEAD ELF! AND THIS IS THE NORTH POLE! I'M HERE WITH BERNARD AT THE NORTH POLE! THIS IS THE NORTH POLE! AND I'M WITH BERNARD AT THE NORTH POLE! OMG! OMG! OMG!"

She took a deep, calming, cleansing breath and continued: "I'M HERE! IT'S THE NORTH POLE! AND I'M WITH BERNARD! ME! HERE! BERNARD! I'M HERE AT THE NORTH POLE AND IT'S BERNARD AND I'M HERE OMG OMG OMG!"

Mary-Sue went on screaming like this for thirty minutes.

At last, Bernard pulled a bullhorn out of his book bag, and yelled through it, "PLEASE CALM YOURSELF!"

Mary-Sue immediately stopped screeching, plopped in a heap on the floor, and stared at Bernard with bright, sparkly eyes.

"May I ask you a question?" Bernard asked without the bullhorn.

"You can ask me anything you want, Bernie," Mary-Sue said. "I might even answer – especially if you ask me to marry you."

"What? No, no!" Bernard shook his head in disgust. "Tell me: Who are you, and what are you doing here? And please, do so calmly, without screaming and without interjections in 1337. We're both adults here – at least I presume we are – "

Mary-Sue sighed. "Well, my tale is, liek, a sad one. My name is Marianna Susanna Honey Allison Colby Angel McKynnzie Heather Nauseum Rain Lafawnduh M'chelle River, and I was born by a river on a cold day in 1993..."

During this SAD life story, Bernard left, quite undetected by Mary-Sue, who had begun quite a passionate narrative. He had time to check his email, have lunch, get a stiff dark cocoa, file all his taxes, and come back in time to hear the end of it.

"...and that is how I came to be a poor wanderer in the polar regions."

"Very good," Bernard said insincerely, and he bent over to help her up. "Now, you're just going to stay here and rest – "

That was as far as he got. He made a terrible mistake that no eligible, self-respecting male canon character should EVER make:

He grabbed a Mary-Sue's hand to help her up.

"OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! HE _TOUCHED_ MEEEEEEEEE!"

Mary-Sue screamed for another half-hour, while Bernard contemplated the age-old question: Green funeral or burial at sea?

Suddenly, Mary-Sue burst into hysterical tears.

Bernard, highly alarmed, gave her a tissue box. "Now what?"

"I...I...I...I can't m-marry you because...because I'm, liek, a mortal!" Mary-Sue blew her nose rather indecorously.

"What are you talking about?" Bernard asked flatly.

Mary-Sue sobbed and snorted for a moment, and then said, "You're--you're immortal! So it would, liek, never work!"

"Where did you get that?" a very confused Bernard asked.

"All elves are immortal!" Mary-Sue blew her nose again, and handed the tissue to Bernard.

Ah, the immortal myth. He held the tissue far away from himself, disgusted. "Gee, thanks a lot." Bernard glared sarcastically at Mary-Sue as he disposed of the tissue. "Clearly, you have spent too much time watching _Lord of the Rings_. Now, stop this infernal crying; I have absolutely no intention of marrying you."

Mary-Sue smiled sadly, sitting down on the bed. "You don't right now, but eventually you'll get over being grouchy and fall desperately in love with me! And then – "

The scorn and sarcasm in Bernard's glare tripled. "And...what gave you that idea? Only a complete idiot would allow such a heinous train of thought – "

"That's how it always happens in the romance fics – I think..."

"I rest my case," Bernard muttered. "Now, if – "

Bernard stopped talking, for Mary-Sue was on her cell phone (of course, everyone HATED her for having this phone). "So, you're sure that it's – right. And all I have to do is, like – Okay. Thanks, hon." She hung up her phone. "I just called Fanfiction Dot Net. They said I'm right. In romance fics, you always act grouchy and then fall desperately in love with me."

"I – you know what, forget it. Get a hobby."

Mary-Sue burst into tears. "But – but loving you IS my hobby!" she bawled.

If looks could kill, she would have been dead a dozen times over. Bernard glared at her and said through clenched teeth, "Your tears do not change my mind in the very smallest degree."

"I understand," Mary-Sue leaned back against the pillows and pressed the back of her hand against her forehead. "Nobody understands my tears. Nobody ever comforts me. But it's okay."

"Good," Bernard said.

"I face all my problems with a smile and a song. That's what my mother told me to do, before she died of mysterious causes. She said, 'Marianna Susanna Honey Allison Colby Angel McKynnzie Heather Nauseum Rain Lafawnduh M'chelle River, always face life with a smile and a song. Follow your heart, because I am in your heart.'"

"You can stop talking now," Bernard said.

"And so, I will face this...with a song. _My Immortal_, to be exact, because, like it or not, Bernard, you are my immortal." As Bernard tried desperately to forget that sickly-sweet and disturbing comment, Mary-Sue stood up on the bed, throwing her arms outwards dramatically. "WHEN YOU CRIED, I'D WIPE AWAY ALL OF YOUR TEARS! WHEN YOU SCREAMED, I'D FIGHT AWAY ALL OF YOUR FEARS!" She fell off the bed.

Bernard applauded sarcastically. "Move over, Amy Lee."

Mary-Sue smiled. "Do you mean that?"

"No."

More tears.

"That's enough."

Mary-Sue immediately fell silent. The fortunate thing about Mary-Sues is that, when commanded by their canonical beloveds, they are like teenage-blue-eyed-groupies – they'll do anything you say.

"I think I have a pretty good guess about your true species as this point, ma'am," Bernard put his hands on his hips. "You aren't human, and you sure as heck aren't an elf. You're not even normal enough to be a banshee. Therefore – "

"Wait a minute, back up," Mary-Sue interrupted. "I am human, only I'm an extraordinary, outcast human. And who says I'm not part elf? I've got pointy ears and magical powers – "

"THEREFORE, I can only conclude that you are a Mary-Sue – and one of the worst kind – a self-insert."

Mary-Sue laughed. "Don't be silly! I'm Mary-Sue, not 'a' Mary-Sue. How would you like it if people called you 'a' Bernard?"

"You have the same name as your species, conveniently enough," Bernard explained.

Mary-Sue nodded, with a blank look. "How come?"

"Because the author likes it that way. It gives her ego a boost when people laugh at what she's named you."

"WHAT?" In utter terror, Mary-Sue stepped back. "No! I named myself!"

"Actually, no. In case you haven't noticed, we are in a fanfic – a derivative work of fiction created by a fan of the original work and/or its associated legendarium."

Of course Mary-Sue didn't understand those big words, and she no grasp of the concept of a meta-joke, but she listened intently.

"And since we are not in _reality_, which is fixed, but in _fiction_, which is transmutable, your life could end if the author simply decided to press the Undo key." Bernard stared blankly at her as he finished his lecture, knowing it would happen any second.

"Oh," said Mary-Sue.

Fortunately, that was her last word, for the author quickly pushed the Undo key and ran to empty her stomach.

Mary-Sue disappeared with a bang, and the elfirmary was polluted with glittery pink smog.

Bernard coughed and gagged, fanning the pink vapor until it dissolved.

When the air was again clear, he saw Curtis standing by the door, smirking at him.

"Are you sufficiently amused by my suffering, Oh Kind and Helpful One?" he snapped.

Curtis shrugged. "Nah. Just glad to see that the Mary-Sue is finally gone."

"You knew she was here?"

"Of course."

Bernard stared at him for a moment, and then sputtered, "Why didn't you sound the alarm?! I didn't fund that Mary-Sue Alarm so it could sit on that post on the north side of the village, collecting frost – "

"I just wanted to see how you'd react to her." Curtis's smirk became a smile. "I haven't laughed so hard since 1404."

"I hate you," Bernard said.

Suddenly a teenage girl burst in, and hit Curtis on the head with a bright pink mallet, knocking him out.

"NOW WHAT?" Bernard shouted.

The teenage girl giggled. "OMG liek HI! Im a fnafic Auther! dont worry, this, liek is goin 2B OMG totaly AWSOME!" With that, she rushed out of the elfirmary.

Bernard bent down and stared at Curtis, careful not to get too close. He knew that things could get quite disastrous whenever "fnafic Authers" hit canon characters on the head – especially when the characters were male.

"Uh, Curtis?" he said.

Curtis lifted his head up, and stared back at Bernard like one seeing a vision.

"Cut that out." Bernard quickly helped Curtis to his feet. "Are you okay?"

"Liek OMG! HOTTIE!" Curtis shouted.

Before Bernard could punch him in the face, Curtis ran out of the elfirmary, foaming at the mouth and laughing madly. The sound of elves screaming outside the elfirmary could barely be heard over his maniacal laughter.

Bernard put his head in his hands.

"Oh, Powers That Be, what have I done to deserve this?"

OoOoOoOoOoO

flushes toilet I feel better now. This chapter was attacking self-inserting fangirls as well as Mary-Sues. I haven't seen this kind of thing in this category, but I see it far too often elsewhere. So there you have it. Hope you enjoyed.


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